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Losing Myself As A Result Of Trauma

I came from a happy family. From the outside looking in we had it all. Summer holidays abroad, a house with a garden and family BBQs in the sun (which in London is not that often let’s be honest. We know grey skies a lot better than blue).

Yet I was growing up in a world where I never felt like I belonged. I was constantly being thrown out of every classroom for ‘’talking too much’’ and left school at just 14. Shattering my parents’ dreams of success for their first born. You see, I had other dreams. My heart was in the performing world, and I started breaking into the party lifestyle and, using my performing character, I was quickly asked to host the events.

The events I hosted grew bigger, the celebrities’ names more known and with that the crowds became more lost. Truth be told the more success people seemed to gain the more depressed they were behind closed doors.

LIGHTS…CAMERA…ACTION but, once the lights go off and they go home, the success is but a memory of the day and often they are alone. Many turn to drugs and alcohol abuse to numb the missing sting of loneliness. Often from past traumas they are unable to hold space for love and so, once the lights are off, go home alone.

Embracing Islam at just 19 I broke away from the dark chambers of false success and very quickly found myself preparing for marriage. There was a huge pressure after embracing Islam to marry quickly.

A key ingredient I had not learnt was to fully fall in love with myself before looking to try to love another. I was 20, he was 27 and had been Muslim a lot longer, so that was very quickly used to his advantage.

I had left a world of rebellion and just wanted to please my Lord but before long found the man who had once promised me the world for the sake of Allah turning to violence and abuse. It was a constant battle, and I was a young mum of two in a city far from home.

I embraced a mentality of surviving rather than living.

I silenced the want of happiness and remained in a numb state of just trying to make it through the day without pushing his buttons.

I don’t know if I would have found the strength to leave but it was after a second miscarriage that left me sick and stuck back in London with my family that I realised I couldn’t do this to my children any longer and it was time to break free.

I had become a shadow of the girl I used to be. Where I used to command a stage of thousands, my voice was broken and silenced. People often consider you as weak if you get into an abusive relationship, but the truth is never that simple. You did not get into anything. You were groomed, manipulated, and broken down. It doesn’t happen overnight; it is a process that by the time you realise it has happened you are already drowning.

Breaking away meant nights of wet pillows and an ache deep in the pit of my stomach I couldn’t quieten. Yet I had two little faces looking up to me. Needing my guidance and love. I needed to be cured, but how?

Trauma is not something that goes away when you decide it’s time. It is a deep issue where the roots have latched on deep under the soil. As long as it took to damage, it will take longer to uproot.

But, when we know enough is enough, there is no tree that cannot be uprooted with Allah’s help.

As impossible and far away as it seems, you can grow and live the life you dreamed.

I am now an international and TEDx speaker, a serial entrepreneur running three businesses and I get to help other entrepreneurs around the world step into their dreams and speak up powerfully. I am doing this as a niqabi woman, a single mother and survivor of extreme abuse.

This is not just for me walhumdlilah. With time and work you can go back to the person you were before the trauma, but this time you will be a stronger version of yourself.

They say when you reach rock bottom the only way is up, I say when you reach rock bottom it was for a reason that will make your ups more worth it than you could have ever imagined.

Keep rising x

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